Sparkling Objective Correlatives

Teddy Ruxpin
written by Rusty Spell

Can you and I be friends? We don't even have to hold hands. I just want to be with you all day. I just want you and I to play.
Cause it's a world of wonder when I'm with you if we're at the mall or park or fair or school or house or zoo. Oh, will you be my Teddy Ruxpin friend?

My sister says you're hot. I tell her that you're not. But I know that you are. You are my wishing star. My teacher says I'm smart, that I'm sweet as a Sweet Tart. But I'd make all Ds for you. And I'd be sour if you wanted me to. Cause it's a world of wonder when I'm with you if we sing or act or dance or fall or talk or laugh or moo. Oh, will you be my Teddy Ruxpin friend?

There's a secret that I keep. When I let it out I weep. I've told Alice, Jack, and Lou, and now I'll tell you too that it's a world of wonder when I'm with you, and Teddy Ruxpin friends are the friends that say "I do." So will you be my Teddy Ruxpin friend? Oh, will you be my Teddy Ruxpin friend?

Whassername
written by Rusty Spell

It's my celebration. It's my liberation. I can do anything in the world that I want to do today and tomorrow. I don't need medication or a paid vacation. Breaking up with whassername has been the perfect act to follow. It's intoxication. It's total elation. I'm cruising around in my brand new car and feeling bout as cool as Zorro. I don't need to watch Claymation or to play my Play Station. I just met sixteen new girls in a week, and that's the cure for sorrow.

In a world as big as this, there's no need to settle down with one girl. There's too much to see, and I haven't seen enough. I think I could fall in love with everyone. There's enough of me to go around.

I'll take the train station or plane to another nation. If I take the Chunnel, I can even travel under water. I've got no space for patience. Time for me is a-wastin'. Everything up to now compared to now's completely hollow.

Music Box
written by Rusty Spell

You and I are older now, and we don't have much more time. You and I must find out how to live after we die. I'll write a song about our love, how we found it in the prime of our lives. I'll send it off to radio so it'll be immortalized.

And I wish the song could be famous enough that they would play it in a music box. And you would dance when I played it for you, just like the ballerina inside, or maybe we would just hold hands and listen till we all wind down.

When we were young fifty years ago, we wanted to share the same grave. Our bodies would lie side by side, and think of all the money we'd save. And if you die before I die, I'm sure I'll go the next day. And if I die before I write our song, no one will remember our names.

And I wish the song could be famous enough that they would play it in a music box. Then everyone could dance for us, just like the ballerina inside, or maybe they could just hold hands and listen long after we die.

Hubba Hubba
written by Rusty Spell

We like our car with the spoiler on its ass, but we stay in the back seat and save on gas. Don't wonder where we are, don't even ask. Just get out our business, yeah our biz-naz. We love each other and that's how it's always been. And everybody knows love's like a bottle of gin. In the back of the car, we commit our favorite sin. We get more wild than Huckleberry Finn.

If the Trans-Am is a rockin', then you know the rest. We both passed our STD test. I don't need no Longitude. Thank God, he's very blessed. Hubba hubba, wow wow, hubba hubba, baby baby yeah.

We met each other in a singles bar. Our good vibrations brought us from afar. We couldn't possibly be more sexier than we are, and it doesn't hurt to have such a kickin' car.

If the Trans-Am is a rockin', then you know the rest. We both passed our STD test. I don't need no Wonderbra. Thank God, she's very blessed. Hubba hubba, wow wow, hubba hubba, baby baby yeah.

My Jerry
written by Rusty Spell

My Jerry's so very. I hope we will marry. He's handsome and charming and so kind and bright. Jim Carrey's aware he's more funny and merry than Jim ever was. Jerry's such a delight. My Jerry's attractive. He keeps me so active. He takes me to dinner. He takes me to dance. There's nothing I lack if he's present. In fact give me nothing but Jerry and his sweet romance. He's my Jerry.

The things are completely true what she said. True also I'm holding a gun to her head. Say it, Shelly.

I love you, Jerry.

Very good girl.

My Jerry's inspiring. His brain needs rewiring.

Ahem.

I said that I'd never give him up for lint. Compliments are piling and Jerry's not tiring of hearing such hyperbolic statements. He's my Jerry.

Life threats will make you say what I want to hear, some say, but I don't think that it's true, my dear. Do you, Shelly?

Of course not, Jerry.

Very good girl.

This is an aside to tell you my plan of how I'll try to get rid of this man. I'll capture his gun while holding his hand. This is the point where the stuff hits the fan.

Put down the gun, Shelly. Be reasonable, Shelly.

Tell all the listeners that he had, now she has. Tell me I'm as pretty as Cameron Diaz. Right, Jerry?

Of course you are, Shelly.

Very good, sir.

Roxanne
written by Rusty Spell

Her name is Roxanne. I do the scratchin' in my band. I wish she were a groupie. She could give me her hand. But I can't even get the day of the week, though I offer both my bathroom and my kitchen sink. I'd give her my own kidney cause I think that she's cool, but she won't even let me swim in her kidney-shaped pool. She eats models for breakfast, politicians for dessert. I'd be scared I'd get hurt trying, but I'm already hurt.

You know you're gonna have to forget me. I'm just two birdies in the bush so leave me be. I'm not the kind of girl who you can prey upon, or pray about. I've got the world just where I want, and if you think you're in, I want you out.

I will never love you. You will never have me. I don't even like you.

I hear the things she says and it makes me feel pain, but I can't help but thinking someone's washing her brain. How could she resist such a specimen as me? I've got over thirteen channels on my color TV. And I know how to fight and blow rings with my smoke. I've got a dozen Rolex watches hidden underneath my cloak. I've got eighty foot speakers, she's got ninety foot legs. This will be the first time I'll have to get down and beg.

I don't even like you. (But, baby, I love you.)

The Snake Charmer
written by Rusty Spell

I'm out of the shower with a towel on my head, and I'm playing the flute on my soft bed. If I slid open the window pane, all the snakes outside would go insane. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was a mean mongoose. He killed the snakes, but I set them loose with the music from my magic mouth. Now they're heading north instead of heading south.

And I'm the snake charmer, so bring all the snakes to me. If they're dead as Laura Palmer, I'll wake them, just you see.

Now I'm all dressed with nothing to do, should be breaking like electric boogaloo. I'm sitting crossed-legged on the ground, but there's nothing in my basket now. Old Saint Patrick was an evil man. He drove the snakes out of his land. But I guess that it's just as well, cause now I've got them in my spell.

I've got swirly eyes like an all-day sucker. I can make people think that they are a duck or a chicken. Yeah, I'm not a fake. But mostly I like to handle snakes. The serpent in the garden got a bum rap. Before him, Eve was taking a nap. He woke her up so he could show the world the places they couldn't go.

Just for You
written by Rusty Spell

I'm moving in slow motion, and it's all because of you. I needed you like a soothing lotion. I've discovered eighty shades of midnight blue. Why did you do it? Could you not stand to see our baby born? I knew it would be the end of me when you left in the morning time.

So I was always on your mind? What a line. That song just suits you fine. I'm divine you said, but now I've lost my shine. My insides are knotted up like twine just for you.

If God cares for all the brokenhearted cause he knows they need his life to see, then why when I pray for my departed does he turn his wicked back on me? I'll go to hell now for saying that, and I'm about to die. Oh well now. On top of that's the suicide.

Laugh at me after I pass. Just be crass. I don't deserve any less. I confess I'm a lousy mother, yes. My bloody dress is making such a mess just for you.

Make It Funky
written by Rusty Spell

Love songs have always got it wrong. No one can feel that way, though they want to. But it's better what I feel for you. Love songs are naive and they're dumb, written for kids by the radio crying at night, but we're grown-ups and I love you more than that.

Their words come gushing from the fountains. You're so much more than mountains, more than moonbeams, more than abstract goop that they spit out. And I know this idea is so old. Shakespeare already wrote this same poem: Sonnet 130. You can look it up.

But you and me, we make it funky. We rent DVDs and play Monopoly. You and me, we make it funky. We get refills for free at the Applebee's. And what is more romantic than that?

I make web pages about you. People can Google you, while my eyes do. They should be jealous that you're in my room. And they know there's no one else but you. Love songs can't say that's true. Some sort of voodoo Has made what you do have this effect on me.

Yeah, you and me, we make it funky. Even Simon Legree couldn't beat you and me. Yeah, you and me, we make it funky. Love songs can't compete, no matter how sweet. And what is more romantic than that?

Jenny
written by Rusty Spell
additional adlibbed lyrics by Carrie Hoffman

There was once a girl named Jenny. She liked to say her boyfriend's name it was...

Rusty... Oh, Rusty. Little little Rusty. Russell. Rusty hinges. Rust. Rusty nails. Rusty! dinner! Rushdie: Salman Rushdie. Pastoral. Rusty.

Oh But Why
written by Rusty Spell

Oh, he thrills me inside. Oh, he turns out the light. Oh, he glistens and glides. Oh, makes me feel right. Oh...

But why don't you do any of those things? Won't you show me that you care, and make me dance on air?

Oh, he owns several cars. Oh, he plays a sitar. Oh, he knows Ringo Starr. Oh, he makes love not war. Oh...

But why don't you do any of those things? Can't you just change from A to B, and finally please me?

Every night there's this boy who appears in my dreams. He reminds me of a lot of people, but he's no one that I've ever seen. And he's perfect...

But why are you just any old thing? Aren't you the boy I really love, Not the boy that I dream of? Oh, why won't you be the boy of my dreams? And you will be the one I keep, else I'll find love in my sleep.

Everything About Me
written by Rusty Spell

I wanted you to know everything about me. I made you videos. They were all about me. I took you to a show. It was all about me. And I want to know about you too. And I want to know all about you.

I wrote you twenty songs, and they made you love me. You cried when you would sing alone, when you would sing without me. And I only want to sing with you. And I only want to be with you.

Oh, take me where you go. Please don't go without me. I scream it on the radio. Please don't go without me. Cause I only want to go with you. And I want to grow old with you.

I wanted you to know everything about me...